Twilight: the Musical
by streco
Summary: Edward's eyes met mine. "What was that?" he asked, concerned. Feeling embarrassed, I looked down, a blush flooding my cheeks. "Um... a song?" He chuckled. "Okay?" -- What if Twilight were a MUSICAL? Post-Eclipse. Funny, even if you don't like musicals :D
1. Omigod You Guys

Twilight: the Musical

So… I did this with Maximum Ride. I HAD to do it for Twilight. :D Even if you don't like musicals, this will be enjoyable, I promise. This is post-Eclipse, simply because I disliked BD strongly. But we won't go there.

**Omigod You Guys**  
_Bella and the girls_

Needless to say, all of Bella's friends—the "popular group"—were practically born to throw parties. It was practically in their blood. Angela would be the only exception to that, possibly, but even she was practically bouncing off the walls. Bella was getting married. _Married_. To Edward Cullen. And they could throw her bachelorette party.

Oh, of course it wasn't _official _yet—only Bella knew that he'd already proposed. But they had to stage it like it wasn't official yet… he had to propose to her, but none of her friends knew that. So here they were, freaking out in the woods behind her house, creeping quietly with a giant card of good wishes.

Alice had it in her hand now, walking gracefully as she signed in perfect penmanship. "Dear Bells, he's a lucky guy, I'm, like, gonna cry—I got tears coming out of my nose. Mad props! He's the class's catch, you're a perfect match, cause you both have such _great _taste in clothes," Alice sang, rolling her eyes when she said 'great', "of course he will propose!"

Coming behind Alice, Jess snatched the card, nearly ripping it, and the pen as well. "Dear Bell, honey, mazel tov, future's taking off—bring that ring back and show it to me!"

Jess handed the card to Angela. "Four carats—a princess cut!" she sang, signing, "Are you psyched or what?! I just wish I could be there to see—"

Alice and Jess joined her for, "When he gets down on one knee!"

All of the girls burst into excitement and couldn't hold back. "Omigod, omigod, you guys. Looks like Bell's gonna win the prize! If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies, omigod, you guys! Omigod, this is happening, our own homecoming queen and king! Finally, she'll be trying on a huge engagement ring for size… Omigod you guys! Omigod!"

Angela waved the card in the air. "Okay, everybody signed? Good, now fall in line and we'll start the engagement parade!"

Jess squealed. "Light candles in single file—don't forget to smile. Lose the gum, Ang, you look like a maid."

"Sorry!" Angela cut in, spitting her gum out.

"Now prepare to serenade!"

At once, the group realized how close they were to Bella's window, and instantly the volume was cut substantially. "Omigod, omigod you guys… looks like Bell's gonna win the prize—"

"SH!" Jess scolded, because the volume had grown toward the end of the phrase.

"If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualif—"

"SH!"

"Omigod, you—"

"Guys, I'm _serious!_"

Lauren, who was putting on a nice face to not seem as much of a bitch, sang, "Bell and Edward were meant to be! … Not once ever has he hit on _me!_"

"Shut _up!_" Jess scolded.

Alice, a bumbling idiot because of all the excitement, added, "They're just like that couple from Titanic, only no one dies!"

They were now at the base of Bella's window, and each of them dutifully started climbing the tree.

"Omigod!"

Jess, the highest up, removed one hand from the tree and began to conduct."Two, three, four—"

"Isabella Marie, soon to be fiancée, now that a man chose you, your life begins today. Make him a happy home, waste not his hard earned wage. And so he does not roam, strive not to look your age. Still in your of need, let it be understood—no man could supersede, our sacred bond of sisterhood! OMIGOD, OMIGOD YOU GU—"

"Guys!" Jess cut in, looking away from Bella's window with a panicked look on her face. "She's not here."

Everybody filed into her bedroom, chattering quietly and busily, equally terrified. Alice pulled out her cell phone, but realized she didn't need it—she spotted an oddly sized wolf outside Bella's window in the woods. Obscuring everyone else's view outside, she pretended to speak into the phone as she muttered at the wolf.

"Jacob, where is Bella?"

He barked quietly.

"She doesn't have an _engagement outfit?_" Alice seethed.

He shook his head.

"She's totally freaking out?!"

Shrug.

"_She's trapped in the old valley mill?!_"

Now Jacob had phased into a human. "No, _idiot_," he muttered, "the Old Valley _Mall_."

"Oh, whoops, sorry. The Old Valley Mall?!"

"Omigod, DRESS EMERGENCY!"

"Don't take the freeway!"

"Hey, wait for me!" Lauren cried as they began to file out the window, "No one should be left alone to dress and to accessorize! Omigod you guys! Omigod, omigod, omigod, omigod, omigod!"

* * *

I stood in front of the mirror, feeling ridiculous as I did so. Rosalie had forced me here to get a dress, thinking she was being nice. I didn't think so. I was more or less trapped. Today was my day to hang out with Jacob—he'd finally returned from Canada, where he'd been hiding out—and she was having me try on dresses for my "engagement"? Ridiculous. Jacob had excused himself politely.

"It's almost there, but…" I sighed. "This dress needs to 'seal the deal, make a grown man kneel, but it can't come right out and say bride.'" I quoted Rosalie. "Can't look like I'm 'desperate' or like 'I'm waiting for it.' I've 'gotta leave Edward his pride… so bride is more _implied._'"

Out of nowhere, every female in my senior class at Forks—and Tyler, who had come out of the closet—it seemed, appeared, bursting with energy. What could I say… it was contagious. "Omigod, omigod, you guys… all this week I've had butterflies. Every time he looks at me it's totally proposal eyes, pmigod you guys!"

"We'll help you dress for your fairytale, can't wear something you bought on sale!" Alice sang.

"Love is, like, forever, this is no time to economize! Omigod, you guys!" Jess squealed.

A stalky saleswoman strolled over, holding up a dress to me as she did so. "Excuse me, have you seen this? It just came in."

"Right!" Alice stepped in, looking genuine. "With a half lip stitch on China silk?"

"Mhm!"

"But the thing is," Alice continued in a snide voice, "you can't use a half lip stitch on China silk. It'll pucker." She smiled sweetly. "And you didn't just get this in, because I saw it in last May's Vogue."

From behind me, the rest of the girls—and Tyler—began to giggle. "Omigod, omigod you guys…"

"I'm not about to buy last year's dress at this year's price," Alice lamented.

"Alice saw through that salesgirl's lies," the girls and Tyler continued.

"She may be in love but she's not stupid, lady, we've got eyes," Alice smiled.

"Omigod—Alice Cullen?" Out came the manager, a tall, beautiful colored woman, looking extremely angry at the saleswoman. "Sorry, our mistake—Courtney, _take your break!_ Just ignore her, she hasn't been well," she added as a side to Alice. "Try this! Latest from Milan. Go on, try it on!" she said to me, pushing it forward. "I take care of my best clientele… it's a gift from me to Bell!"

Sighing, I stepped back into the dressing room, changed quickly, and stepped out. Alice was at my side in a second. "Omigod, omigod you guys! This one's perfect, and it's just her size! See, dreams really do come true, you never have to compromise!" She winked at me. "Omigod."

"Omigod, omigod you guys," they all sang, pulling me in the direction of the door. "Let's go home before someone cries. If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies, cause we love you guys!"

"No, I love you guys," I smiled.

"Omigod," they sang.

"Omigod," I echoed.

"Omigod, you guys!" everyone sang, and then, excited, we screamed, "Omigod!"

I grinned as we filed out of the store. Only in Forks.

* * *

Hahaha. I hated the end, but whatever. I'm going to have SO MUCH FUN writing this. Can you see Rosalie and Emmett—"Anything you can do I can do betterrrrr!" :D Ahahah. Everyone's supposed to be out of character, FYI. And TYLER BEING GAY?! YESSSS. :D Review, please!


	2. Die Vampire, Die!

This is an actual song from a great musical called (title of show). The song itself starts at "There are some people in the world…" and I didn't change any of the lyrics. XD

* * *

**Die Vampire, Die!**  
_Jacob and the Quileutes_

Jacob was furious.

He howled in his human form, shoving all the miscellaneous objects that lay on the kitchen table onto the floor. He angrily pulled out a chair and sat down, trying to scratch the tears of anger from his eyes. The pack crowded around him, unusually sensitive… for maybe the first time in their lives?

"Jacob, it's okay, man," Seth Clearwater said, coming over to Jacob and clapping him on the back. "She's just in love with him… and you have to find some way to – "

"MOVING ON," Embry cut Seth off loudly, knowing that whatever he was going to say would hurt Jacob. "I think we should just kick the shit out of the vamps and then see how poor Bella fares."

"You're an asshole, Embry," Quil mumbled. "You know how that'd make Jake feel."

None of them had noticed Jacob lifting his head up.

"There are some people in the world who say that writing stories… or _composing music_… or _DANCING SPARKLY DANCES _is easy for them," he ranted. "Nothing interferes with their ability to create. While I celebrate their creative freedom, a little part of me wants to punch those mother fuckers in the teeth."

The pack laughed.

"This song, I sing this song for you guys and for all the rest of us. Help me out, y'all!"

"We'll sing backup!" the Quileutes called.

Jacob rocketed to a standing position. "You have a story to tell, a novel you keep in a drawer."

"Old sock drawer!" the pack echoed, doing the sprinkler.

"You have a painting to paint, but you're lazy like an old French whore!"

"Je suis whore!"

"You have a movie to make, Shrinky Dinks you can bake, but you best grab a stake, cause in sweep the vampires, in creep the vampires, knee deep in vampires, filling you with doubt. Insecurity 'bout what your art should be – in sweep the vampires. DIE VAMPIRE!"

Jacob did a jump in the air and started to do a complicated jazz dance, his feet flying almost as gracefully as Alice's. "You sketched that turtle you saw in an ad on late-night cable TV…"

"TIPPY TURTLE!"

"But your fourth grade teacher said –"

"You can't draw!" Leah and Emily harmonized.

"Aww, those vampires just won't let you be," Jacob sang.

"Fuck you Ms, Johnson, word!"

"And when they come running like hell, see those bats in your belfry, then call on Van Helsing… in swoosh –"

"THE VAMPIRES!" the pack cried, creeping around and then spreading their arms out wide.

In a whoosh –"

"Oooh, the vampires."

"BABAGANOOSH!"

"Oooh, all the vampires."

"Filling you with thoughts of…"

"Self-consciousness!"

"Feelings of…"

"Worthlessness!"

Jacob frowned. "They'll make you…"

"Second guess!"

"Die vampire!" Everyone sang together, now bursting into a huge dance. "There are so many vampires, inside, outside, and nationwide, it helps to recognize them with this vampire hunting guide! Listen closely, a vampire is any person or thought or feeling that stands between _you_," Jacob put one hand out, "and your creative… _self expression_." He held up a picture of Bella that he'd produced from nowhere. "But they can assume many _seductive _forms." He pulled out a picture of Edward. "Here's a few of them!"

"Tell us, Jacob!" the pack urged, gathering around.

He whipped out a picture of the Cullens. "First up are your pigmy vampires. They'll swarm around your head like gnats and say things like –"

Embry imitated Rosalie's voice. "Your teeth need whitening."

Paul chose Jasper. "You went to state school?

Emmett was mocked by Jared. "You sound _weird_."

Jacob grinned. "Brothers and sisters, next up is the air freshener vampire, she might look like your mama, or your old fatass, fat aunt Fanny. She smells something unpleasant in what you're creating." He held up a picture of Edward. "She'll urge you to…"

Embry sprayed Fabreeze.

"… it with some pine fresh smell 'em ups. The air freshener vampire doesn't want you to think about –"

"Bad language, blood, or blowjobs," the pack finished knowingly.

"_He _wants you to clean it up and clean it out. Which will leave your work toothless, gutless, and crotchless. But, you'll be left with two tight thoughts, all kittens that your grandma would be so proud of. You look at that air freshener vampire in her fat ass, fat old fuckin' face, and you say –"

The whole pack began to chant, and then erupted into laughter.

"The last vampire is the mother of all vampires, and that is the vampire of despair."

The room went suddenly quiet, and Jacob held up a picture of Bella.

"It'll wake you up at four AM to say things like…" he trailed off.

"Who do you think you're kidding? You look like a fool. No matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enough," the pack finished sadly.

Now Jacob had tears in his eyes. "Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform and said these things, I'd think he was a mentally ill asshole, but if the vampire inside my head says it, it's the voice of reason?"

"You have a story to tell, pull your novel out of that sock drawer! You have a painting to paint, you best paint it and then paint some more!" the pack chanted.

"Oh baby, you must escape and grab it by the nape of its neck, by the trachea – fuckin' break it, go on drive a stake in, yeah there's no mistaking, now you're shake and bakin –"

"Die vampire!" Everyone joined in. "I said, die, vampire! I said, now die vam-pi-re, die!"

It was now a full blown jam session on Jacob's house, people leaping off of the table into front tucks, doing difficult breakdancing. He stood on the table as everyone sang. "In fly the vampires, oh, my, the vampires, then die the vampires, filling you with life, creativity, all that your heart should be, out go the vampires, die, vampire, die, vampire, die, vampire, die!"

Everything stopped, except for Jacob, who was standing on top of the table laughing harder than he ever had before. Killing Edward over Bella; it had seemed like such a good idea back then, but not now. Why? Why was that?

And then he realized… maybe he was getting over her.

And he wasn't sure how he was going to deal with that.

* * *

I cut a few minor aspects of this song out just a few verses that would've been hard to reword. Sorry its been so long, I've been mega busy! Review :D


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